“So after last night’s ‘kinda lockdown but not quite’ instructions, I find myself flirting with the idea of online grocery shopping. Just to cut down the number of people at large in supermarkets – it seems the right thing to do.
I’ve always picked up groceries every few days on my lunch break in the city centre so never bothered to get involved online before. But the time has come for me to make this commitment and I’ve been attempting to set up online dates all week. The experience is doing nothing for my confidence…
Morrisons have totally played me. They toyed with my emotions, allowed me to peruse their goodies for over an hour and fill my cart with £127.50 worth of hope but then ghosted my request for a date. Every single option on the calendar was greyed out. I took it personally.
Sainsbury’s also knocked me back. They were harsh but, I guess, fairer. Told me they weren’t interested straight away. I took that on the chin – am guessing they’ve got a lot of interest already.
So with not much self respect left to lose, I start to make eyes at the home delivery big boys, Ocado. They teasingly tell me I’m number 2096 in a queue of 24,705 which, in my isolation-addled mind, sounds like pretty good odds. Yeah, I’m in with Ocado. I can almost taste their Waitrose Essentials artichoke hearts on my tongue. So I wait in that queue like a lovesick sap for FOUR HOURS – desperate for a wee, frantic for a chance to wash my hands so I could scratch the insane itch on my face, convinced I’d miss my chance if I dared to look elsewhere even for a few seconds…
Finally, thank you, I’m at the front of the queue. I’m gazing up at the screen with come-to-bed eyes (literally, coz it’s now almost 1am), my expectations are RAGING and Ocado says to me, “Unfortunately, new customer bookings will not be processed.” B@st@rd. Turns out Ocado is the dinner date that keeps you waiting for hours and then just punches you in the hungry face. Boris, I’m going to need to go out to Tesco.